Sports Schmortz

Tuesday Afternoon Dr. Pepper

2011-12-06T17:53:00.004-05:00

I feel the same way about Faygo.

Goin' Hog Wild

2011-11-22T17:03:00.005-05:00

With the holiday season approaching you may have asked yourself..."What am I going to get my favorite Sports Schmortz writer this year?" Here's the answer...

So whether you or your significant other are fat (if you buy this I'm guessing you both are) why not bring home the bacon...lube?

Here's some reviews of bacon lube from real people...

"It really added some sizzle to my love life." - Kelly Joe from Alabama

"I've been trying to incorporate more eating into my love making. Bacon lube makes that easy." - Cooper from Alabama

"This is the greatest thing to come out since that hot sauce whiskey." - Archie Ray from Alabama

"Bacon lube really helps me to pork my wife more efficiently" - Skeeter from Alabama

Frankly I'm surprised I was unable to uncover this story before the bloggers at I'm Bacon! Normally their site is my one stop shop for all my bacon news. They really dropped the ball on this one.

Chris Canty needs more bars on his Face Mask...

2011-11-20T23:16:00.006-05:00

... Like JJ needs more dicks up his butt. That is all.

How To Fill The NBA Void

2011-11-18T14:07:00.014-05:00

With the NBA season on the brink of cancellation, I've decided to track down some alternate sports in the situation that there's full blown lockout. I present to you my top 5 picks to fill the NBA void...

5.) Fistball

So, it's basically volleyball, only way easier. The best part about fistball is all of the jokes you can make when girls participate. For example, here are a couple of girls fisting.

4.) Wife Carrying

No fatties allowed.

3.) Baby Sumo Wrestling

What a perfect way to take advantage of childhood obesity. The Maury Show would be a hotbed for up and coming talent.

2.) Skyball

It's like basketball, only way easier.

1.) Feline Agility Contests

It's like watching a dog agility contest, only way worse.

Call To Duty

2011-11-15T14:00:00.007-05:00

If you need proof that Call of Duty: Modern Warefare 3 is a totally rad game, just ask Louisville football coach Charlie Strong the reason for his team's 21-14 loss to Pittsburgh on Saturday.

The Louisville players were so into MW3 that they were even playing it on the sideline during the game.

Louisville quarterback Teddy Bridgewater had this to say after the loss:

"We certainly looked like a bunch of noobs out there on the gridiron but at least I was pwning in MW3. I had multiple 20 kill games in the second half. It was siiiick!"

Celebrating 300 Years (posts) In Inane Sports-Related Ramblings!

2011-11-10T16:36:00.007-05:00

CLICK IMAGE FOR A LARGER VIEW, OR OPEN IN A NEW WINDOW FOR A GIANT VIEW

Sports Schmortz has lasted another year, and will soon have 300 posts to show for it. Can you believe it folks? At this time last year, we were just about to celebrate our 200th feature, and were primed to hand over the first ever Schmortzie to The Budz. Considering the last ceremony went over so well, we've decided to host another Black Tie Gala designed to commemorate our 300th post. Best of all, you're invited!

On the 26th of Novemeber, we'd love it if you showed up to JJ and Budz's apartment, and helped us drink roughly two thousand beers in honor of Sports Schmortz. We'll be awarding someone the 2nd-annual Schmortzie award, and we request you arrive sporting your very finest attire (preferably thrift-store-bought blazers and suit jackets... girls can wear whatever the fuck they want). We'll also be celebrating JJ's birthday, so be sure to bring something ultra-gross for him to drink... something alcoholic and store-bought that is. I'm assuming he's not going to want to sip on an empty VitaminWater bottle full of your piss.

Anyway, this event only happens once every year, so don't miss it. We're doing it BIG! Maybach Music Y'all!...

Tuesday Afternoon Punter, 11/8/11

2011-11-08T12:41:00.026-05:00

The Bills lost to The New Jersey Sanchizes in a game I did not watch because I was driving back from that place where racism and roller derby are still cool... At least this is a thing...

Also, this song and video exists...

Sports Hernia called "Packer Rock Anthem" the latest worst song, but I would have to disagree...

It really has so much going for it. There's the cheese head party rock robot, the fake Aaron Rodgers, girls from wisconsin that don't make you want to throw up when they wear bikinis(even the annoying snooki looking girl isn't so bad), the part about The Bears being bad, and that awesome Asian guy in the background, at about 2 minutes in, who clearly has no idea what's going on.

Things I Hate About The Bears This Week:

Of course they were on prime time again. Why wouldn't they be? And of course they had to win.

Also, Jay Cutler had to change his hair to look like mine...

Predictions for next week's game featuring America's Team v. North America's Team:

Tony Romo will look fine for about 2 minutes, before he realizes he might have a chance to win. He'll then abruptly start to melt down, cry, and throw 5 picks in rapid succession.

Ryan Fitzpatrick will continue to be from Harvard and wear a wedding ring while he plays.

North America's team will win 52-17

That's it for this week. Keep on puntin' on!

NOW That's What I Call Awful Madden Songs! Vol.1

2011-11-07T03:03:00.003-05:00

Do you ever find yourself wondering what tunes the Sports Schmortz crew like to bump when they let their hair down on the weekends?... You don't? Well, I suppose that response was to be expected, but it was worth a shot anyway.

Whatever your feelings are regarding how we spend our free time, I figured you still might want a crack at copping the latest tape I slapped together, which just so happens to feature all the finest songs the Madden video game franchise has had to offer throughout the years. Suffice to say that every time us losers get together for a cocktail, this thing is played on a constant mind-numbing loop.

I mean where else are you going to get Seether, Rev. Run, Kevin Rudolph, Yellowcard, The Ying Yang Twins, and Todd Rundgren all in one place! If you had any sense left in that lopsided dome of yours, you'd get while the gettin's good, and click the download button below. Before you know it, the folks behind Blogger will be breathing down my neck, asking me to wipe this offer from the face of the blogosphere, and you'll be stuck wondering what could have been. Don't miss this opportunity!... Tracklist and DL Link below...

1. Bone Crusher - Never Scared
2. Chamillionaire - Hate In Your Eyes
3. Outkast - Church
4. Papoose - Born To Win
5. Seether - Fine Again
6. Spider Loc - When I Get Angry
7. Tech N9ne - The Beast
8. Yellowcard - Way Away
9. Ying Yang Twins - Halftime (Stand Up and Get Crunk)
10. Archie - We Ready
11. Nappy Roots - Round The Globe
12. Kid Rock - I Am The Bullgod
13. Rev. Run - Mind On The Road
14. Nappy Roots - Awnaw
15. Todd Rundgren - Bang On The Drum All Day
16. Gary Glitter - Rock And Roll (Pt. 2)
17. Kevin Rudolph - Let It Rock (ft. Lil Wayne)

DOWNLOAD HERE... http://www.mediafire.com/?647t9ajx3ejwpa2

Philip Rivers channels Comic Book Guy...

2011-11-01T23:01:00.004-04:00

WORST. DAY. EVER.

Can't Keep A Good Monster Down

2011-11-01T01:42:00.007-04:00

Grantland.com NFL correspondent Dave Jacoby took a trip to Denver this past Sunday to gauge the excitement-level emanating from the Mike High parking lot before the hometown Broncos faced off against the Motor City Ndamukong-Megatrons. While scanning the tail-gate, Jacoby talked to a fan known only as The Mile High Monster, who appeared to be composed entirely of pom-pom's, and made some surprising claims regarding his favorite team... Get a load of this truth bomb the Monster dropped during an interview, excerpted from Jacoby's feature on Grantland...

Dave Jacoby: "What is your favorite thing about being a Broncos fan?"
Mile High Monster: "The paaaartaaaay. Having a crazy time."

Can you believe that the MHM prefers "having a crazy time", to sitting down and analyzing the X's and O's?! I thought I had this dude pinned down, but I suppose even my own prescience can sometimes get clouded. And while Tim Tebow's eventual performance against the Lions was ultimately dismal, I have a feeling that the Mile High Monster will be ready to party again this coming Sunday, the same way I'm sure he can puke 'n' rally with best of 'em.

Suck For Luck

2011-10-30T20:00:00.000-04:00

Batter Up; A World Series for the Ages

2011-10-28T23:30:00.009-04:00

Rats off to the boys with the birds on the bat for winning the most unexpectedly entertaining World Series in recent memory. I looked for every excuse to not watch these baseball finals, but the games were simply too awesome to miss. Cards earned it ferrreal y'allz.

More importantly, if you ever find yourself questioning the genius of Nelly, just listen to how he pronounces the word tryin' during this chorus. The very definition of inspired songwriting!

Anyway, I'm well aware that Tony LaRussa often gets a bad wrap for sporting that horrible mushroom cut, being a stern taskmaster in the club house, and always tryin' to suck on Albert PooHoles's hog, but I must give the skipper some credit. In the true spirit of Halloween, LaRussa gave his post-game presser dressed as everybody's favorite mutant Goonie, SLOTH! I suppose the old codger still has a few tricks up his sleeve after all.

Lastly, my heart goes out to tiny Ron Washington. I'm sure we'll get 'em next year little buddy. They say the third time's the charm.

The Results Are In...

2011-10-25T22:11:00.015-04:00

Everyone is going crazy for the Halloween Schmalloween!!!

Even the animal kingdom is getting involved...

Anyone who's anyone in the Halloween world is talking about Halloween Schmalloween. Just listen to this real life testimony about the re-vamped (pun intended) Sports Schmortz:

"Unlike me, Halloween Schmalloween certainly doesn't suck."
- Dracula

"Next to the Monster Mash, Halloween Schmalloween is the most important thing in my life right now." - Bobby "Boris" Pickett

"This website is absolutely purrr-fect." - Black Cat

"Halloween Schmalloween is spook-tacular." - Ghost

"It's the only website that can get me away from internet porn"
- Frankenstein

It Has Begun...

2011-10-25T00:24:00.011-04:00

It all starts with a post about Goosebumps. Then comes a joke about how Andy Dalton looks like a pumpkin.

Next comes a picture of Kyle Vanden Bosch's crazy red eyes...

And the next thing you know...

Sports Schmortz has officially transformed into Halloween Schmalloween!

Take a wild guess as to how we celebrate this incredible metamorphosis? Obviously,the only way we know how...

Make sure to visit here often, and stay up to date on all that's happening in the wide world of Halloween.

Halloween Exclusive: Lost Goosebumps Novels Revealed Pt. 1

2011-10-24T23:02:00.002-04:00

Just this past evening, legendary Horror/Child Lit auteur RL Stine got a hold of JJ and myself via electronic mail, and hit us with some rather exciting news. Stine claimed that he aimed to publicly release a series of lost and unused Goosebumps cover images, and that he wanted to use our very own Sports Schmortz as his conduit to the masses. At first, the Schmortz staff were weary to oblige to this request, as these things have nothing to do with sports, but in the end, cooler heads prevailed.

You know what, this has gone on long enough. I was going to attempt to keep pulling the wool over your eyes, but I suppose I should let the cat out of the bag. In actuality, RL Stine never e-mailed either JJ or myself. These covers are dripping with our specific brand of retarded, and the pair of us is to blame... Also, I would appreciate if the Hanna J didn't jump down my throat for using the term retarded in the past sentence.

Anyway, look out for more covers to drop in the near future, and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Click the "Read More" Button for More Covers

Notice how we classed things up toward the end there?

Tony LaRussa remembers the late Wendy O Williams

2011-10-20T17:50:00.001-04:00

Just prior to the start of yesterdays World Series opener, St Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa got most spectators talking when he removed his baseball cap for the singing of the national anthem. Rather than revealing the weird Pete Rose-style mushroom cut that he usually wears, LaRussa appeared to be sporting some half-grown-in Mohawk thing.

Questioned after his squad eked out a 3-2 victory over the Texas Rangers, the Cardinals skipper claimed he was paying his respects to Plasmatics front woman, and legendary proto-riot grrrl, Wendy O Williams. This fact became rather clear when LaRussa stripped the microphone from Scott McCreery after his painful anthem performance, and belted out an excruciating version of the Williams minor hit "I Love Sex (and Rock and Roll)"...

ESPN Body Issue 2011

2011-10-18T16:56:00.001-04:00

ESPN's attempt at keeping magazines relevant is back for a 3rd year!

I used to think Gretchen Bleiler was kinda hot...

and then I saw her weird, man-ish body on the cover of my magazine.

Here is a photo of olympic marathoner Ryan Hall presumably running away from the bullies who stole his clothes.

I am pretty sure I saw this exact girl roller skating through the Allentown Art Festival.

If anyone was wondering, Blake Griffin will be just fine during the NBA lockout.

WNBA star Sylvia Fowles stole my morning workout routine.

This is just a really good photo of St. Louis Rams rb Steven Jackson.

Congratulations, your mom made it into this year's issue!

Had I known naked horse dancing was a real thing before this, my life would be totally different right now. (Why did my lawyer not bring this up at my trial?)

They took roughly 500 photos boxer Sergio Martinez and this was the least awkward pose.

U.S. soccer star Hope Solo had no idea ESPN was coming by to take her photo. She was just outside doing her routine yard work. (I'm not sure why they didn't use the photo of her weedwacking.)

Nobody asked Helio Castroneves to do this. He sent this photo in on his own.

This year's issue was a bit of a disappointment. They need to use less good looking people and more mutants. Like I said last year, we need to see naked NFL coaches and maybe a little Chris Kaman action. Oh yeah, and Shaq. Loads and loads of naked Shaq.

Body Issue 2010

Body Issue 2009

If you like hockey, or perhaps throwing up, then Foogos are for you.

2011-10-17T19:35:00.001-04:00

Check out more Foogos here.

A majority of them seem to consist almost entirely of diarrhea, which to most of us isn't really a food.

CLARK'S ADDENDUM(B)
Hey everybody, Clark checking in. After browsing over JJ's posted link, I felt the immediate need to commandeer the post for a moment. Basically, these stupidly-titled fogos elicited some totally queasy vibes within me, which were eerily similar to the grossness I feel when viewing the cover of RTX's Sweet Sixteen. Although most folks refer to this specific release as the stinkiest turd Royal Trux ever crapped out, the front of the record tends to get stuck in my craw. Anyway, I think the proof is in the pudding, err, maybe more accurately, in the vomit and tooth paste. Take a look for yourself...

Wednesday Night Punter

2011-10-11T22:16:00.004-04:00

A prediction I made finally came true! Sadly, it was about a person dying, and unfortunately that person wasn't Tom Brady. Just this week, The Raiders revealed that Al Davis had actually been dead for at least 15 years.

I can't do a better tribute to Al Davis than Sports Hernia so just look at theirs.

Al Davis R.I.P.

And now for something completely Billz!

Moorman stats week 5: blah blah blah punting blah.

After taking last season off, The Buffalo Interceptors are officially back!

Buffalo leads the league with 12 interceptions in 5 games. The last time Buffalo was doing this good they finished an amazing 6-10. Can we hope for that kind of success this season or maybe even a return to 7-9? The answer is no because Buffalo will go 15-1.

Predictions for week 6 against The Bon Jersey Other Mannings:

Tiki Barber will sit at home wishing he was still on the team.

Eli Manning will prove he is just as good as Tom Brady by throwing 4 interceptions.

After seeing how brave The Raiders were last week, Buffalo will finally reveal that Ralph Wilson has also been dead for the past 15 years. This will give The Billz the extra boost they need to squeak by 67-3.

=====================================================

Things I like about how much I hate The Bears/Sad Jay Cutler Pics:

They lost, and in doing so racked up 9 false start penalties...

Great Job!

That's it for this week so keep on puntin' on(unless you're The Billz) and here's your punt of the week, which was called back because the NCAA is bad at rule making

This Just In: Bills Defensive Unit Pleased With Victory Over Eagles

2011-10-11T00:15:00.000-04:00

Above, we see Bills Rookie Marcell Dareus in all his pink-crotch-gloved glory. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the similarities here to a particular big-boned Ghost Busters villain.

LB Arthur Moates also seemed particularly chipper after the big W... Here's to keeping these jerks happy.

Tuesday Afternoon Punter

2011-10-04T18:57:00.001-04:00

Week 4: Moorman punted a bunch of times, Stevie Johnson CAUGHT a pass and some stupid looking ginger did some stuff.

The important thing is that Britt from Buffalo exists...

She's great and everyone needs to subscribe to her youtube page immediately.

You should also check out J.J. from Buffalo...

Things I hate about The Bears this week:

They still look dumb even when they win...

Great Job!

Prediction for week 5 against The Flipadelphia Unbeatable Fightin' Free Agent Dream Team

Michael Vick will suffer the same fate Brett Favre did when he tried to run across The Moats. This of course will be after he runs for 537 yards though.

The Billz will win after Ronnie Brown, about to score the game winning touchdown, decides to just toss the ball the fuck away because he can.

... I have to go watch baseball for reasons I can't comprehend, so keep on puntin' on.

Tuesday Afternoon Punter: Tuesday Afternoon Edition

2011-09-27T14:04:00.001-04:00

Moorman's stats week 3: Who the eff cares?!!!!!!!!!! The Billz beat The Patriots for the 1st time in almost 3,000 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Criss Angel himself could not have predicted this.

Look at Brian Moorman doing his best impression of The Brain Fuggler

I'm pretty sure I am going to drink myself to death this week so this will be the last football game I will ever remember. I know that's pretty dark but you have to admit that it's a solid plan. I bet you wish that you would've though of it first. No, I will not enter a murder suicide pact with you Steve.

So Buffalo and Detroit are both 3-0 at this point. If they meet in The Superbowl then I will be convinced that John Cusack is right about 2012 being a real thing.

OH MY GOD!!! My t-shirt was right too. Therefore my shirt must also be John Cusack!!!!!!!

Predictions for Sunday's game against The Southern Ohio GingerKatz:

Andy Dalton will paint black stripes on his head and nobody will notice that he isn't wearing a helmet.

Brian Moorman will continue to not really exist.

The Bengals will have to forfeit at halftime because they will run out of money to bail enough players out of jail to field a full squad.

... One more thing about Buffalo before I move on to less important things. If you noticed earlier I referred to Buffalo as The Billz with a "z." This is to distinguish them from past Bills teams and to make them more hip because hey, it's the 90's.

The always classy New York Post released this photo of Michael Vick's failed audition for the 2006 smash hit movie Little Man

Things I like about how much I hate The Bears aka the best of Jay Cutler week 3:

Great Job!

Let's get back to talking about The Billz...

Channel 7 news wants people to name The Bills "jump into the stands" after a touchdown!

This is obviously a great idea. Here are some of my favorites thus far...

Legacy Leap

Jubilant Jump

The Fly

Fan-de-moment

Ebullient Embrace

The Buffalo Wing Wing

Strive for Five Dive

Im not sure what that least one even means since a touchdown is worth 6.

I think the best one is right there in the title of the article.

Bills Jump!

It's perfect, but I'm still going to have my own contest to see who can come up with another good one. The winner gets the standard can of Joose, and losers get punched in the face.

The contest from week 1, which was to make your own shirtless Billz video, is still going on since nobody made any yet.

Considering Buffalo won, I will post that video again.

That's enough for this week.

Keep on puntin' on!

The Ryan Bro's Get Sleazy

2011-09-24T13:15:00.001-04:00

Last week, the bearded Ryan brother was spotted consulting a play-calling sheet that featured a scantily clad bikini model printed on its back side. While the sports reporting community was quick to make a big stink over this non-issue, I suppose that Rob's minor slip-up really isn't too big of a deal. Taking a look at either Ryan bro, one would have to assume that there's a more sinister secret bubbling beneath the surface, than some pixelated Jpeg.

Well, believe it or not, I was actually on the New York Jets sideline last week, trying to uncover a scoop of my own. I think I came away with something that could taint the Ryan name for years to come. Lucky for you legions of Sports Schmortz enthusiasts out there, I've decided to break the story right here, which deals with Jets head coach, and noted foot fetishist, T-Rex Ryan.

Everyone knows that the Jets leader gets his nut by rubbing up on women's feets. What you may not be aware of, however, is that this obsession has started to interfere with Ryan's sideline presence. Hovering around the morbidly obese coach during game time, I heard this latest G-Spot tune blaring from Rex's headset. The very same headset that is generally reserved for communicating with NY QB, and noted sweater enthusiast, Marco Sanchize!... Take a listen...

Well anyway, I suppose we can all just sit back, and wait for the backlash to take place. Also, if you actaully read any of the previous text, I apologize for wasting your time. This was a pretty awful joke. Then again, that's pretty much what we specialize in here at Sports Schmortz.

Tuesday Afternoon Punter: Friday Night Edition

2011-09-23T19:45:00.001-04:00

I promise that this article will actually be on a Tuesday next week. The important thing is that two weeks have gone by and Buffalo hasn't been mathematically eliminated form the playoffs yet.

Moorman's stats week 2: 2 punts for a 49.5 average with 0 fakes and 0 punts in the 2nd half

Like I said last week, Moorman is no longer needed. The Buffalo Super Bills as they are officially called now will probably never have to punt the ball ever again. I'm calling it right now. Ryan "The Amish Rifle" Fitzmagic and his traveling band of interchangeable unknown secret superstars are the greatest offense of the whatever you call this decade. Did you know that Fitzpatrick went to Harvard? I didn't because nobody ever mentions it.

Predictions for Sunday's game against The Massachusetts Model Fuckers:

Tom Brady will fuck at least one model just to prove he's not gay but it won't help because this video still exists...

The announcers will stun everyone watching the game by mentioning that Fitzpatrick went to Harvard only 157 times. (I will still die playing the drink every time they mention Harvard game)

The Bills will not punt the ball once during the game or for that matter ever punt the ball again.

In a low scoring affair by Arena Football League standards Buffalo will win 65-64.(Does arena football still exist? Is Bon Jovi still involved in it? These are important questions?)

Things I like about how much I hate The Bears:

I know I promised I wouldn't write about The Bears anymore but look at these pictures of Jay Cutler...

In every picture he's about to be sacked...

In the process of being sacked...

still on the ground after being sacked...

or being sad that he is a Bear.

Great job!

I have to get back to playing NHL 12 so this is as good a time as any to stop.

Before I do though I have to remind Clark to drink out of his The Miz 7-11 cup this Sunday to make sure Buffalo keeps on winning.

Also I need to post this video because I am so proud of it:

Keep on puntin' on

(unless your The Bills who have no need for punting)

Jorge Posada Revealed to be Father of Mariano Rivera's Unborn Child

2011-09-20T13:47:00.001-04:00

Case closed indeed.

Tuesday Afternoon Punter: Friday Night Edition

2011-09-16T20:49:00.000-04:00

Moorman stats week 1: 5 punts for a 51.4 yard average and 0 fakes

Last week The Bills rumbled over Kansas City on their way to a 41-7 victory.

I don't think Buffalo even needs Moorman anymore. he has gotten the team to where it needs to be to win the next 100 superbowls. One day we are going to wake up and Moorman will just be gone. There will be no evidence of him ever existing. After a few years we probably won't even remember if he was real or simply a myth.

Predictions for Sunday's game against the Oak City Black and Silver Skeleton Faced Maniacs:

Bills 82-3

The 3 points will be from The Polish Cannon hitting a 763 yard field goal from the parking lot.

Both organizations will reveal to the world that for the past 15 years they have been Weekend at Berniesing their two long dead owners Al Davis and ralph Wilson.

Things I hate about The Bears this week:

I think everyone knows by now how much I hate The Bears and I hope my dear readers also hate them as much as I do. I am going to discontinue this section of the article because if I ignore The Bears maybe they will just go away.

This will happen in the NFL in 2011:

I usually do a separate article for this but to save time and also give me more to write this week I will combine it with TuesdayFriday Punter.

Let's get the easy jokes out of the way first:

Charlie Sheen winning reference any time a team wins

Vick dogfighting

Brett Favre's penis coming out of retirement

This season Buffalo will double their points every game culminating in a 1,343,488-0 win over the Patriots on new year's day.

Raiders kicker Sebastian Janikowski will shatter the longest field goal record by blasting a 1063 yard field goal and then immediately shatter the NFL chugging a bottle of vodka on the field record by chugging 1 handle of Mr. Boston.

Eagles QB Michael Vick will wipe off his makeup and reveal to the world that he is actually White.

Browns RB Peyton Hillis will wipe off his makeup and reveal that he is actually black

How else could he have ran for 1000 yards?

Finally, The 16-0 Bills and 16-0 Lions will face each other in The Superbowl.

One more thing before I leave you guys...

Not to be outdone by a Cowboys fan I have made my own video...

This week's contest is to make an awesome Bills video and send it to my email mack7126@gmail.com

Keep on puntin' on!

Denard Robinson Gets Down and Dirty

2011-09-13T02:42:00.001-04:00

While most pre-game Football tributes this past week were centered around the tragic terrorist attacks which unfolded on September 11th, 2001, Michigan QB Denard Robinson paid homage to an entirely separate tragedy. Upon mounting a career defining comeback against the loathsome Notre Dame Quasimotos (is that what they're called?), Robinson leapt into the arms of some fat lineman, in turn, honoring the late Patrick Swayze.

Robinson has been quoted as saying that "Dirty Dancing is his single favorite film of all time", slotted just ahead of Fame, and that he "gets the chubbs just thinking about that final dance between The Swayz and Jennifer Grey". Apparently, the Michigan player felt a strong need to pay his respects to Swayze after his untimely death last year, and decided to pull the trigger after their monumental victory over ND.

Click here to watch the entire routine

While Robinson had at first envisioned himself honoring the actor by ripping out the throat of an opposing team's star player, Road House style, he eventually decided that this action would surely get him banned from college football, and potentially tossed in the joint. One would have to agree.

Anyway, the junior quarterback claimed that he wished he could have taken on the role of ol' Paddy in their reenactment of Dirty Dancing's classic routine, but that he feared he'd be crushed under the 300-plus pounds that comprise his disgusting lineman dance partner. Even though I suspect that Robinson totally resents J-Grey's former giant jew nose, and that it makes him want to vomit all over the fucking place (I seem to remember him saying something to this tune on record), witnessing the QB hoisted high into the arms of his teammate was truly magical.

After some exhaustive google image searching, I also managed to uncover this photograph which further reinforces Denard's love for the classic 1987 film. At first the glance, the shot looks normal enough, but why don't we zoom in for a closer look. What can I say, the dude likes his Drity Dancing. The proof is in the eye black... Here's to you Pat.

Giant Idiot

2011-09-09T15:51:00.002-04:00

Close to 3 years after accidentally shooting himself in the leg at a night club in New York City, Plaxico Burress totally let his former team have it. In an interview with Men's Journal, Burress pretended the New York Giants were his leg and fired away. Let's take a look at some of the highlights from the interview...

Regarding Tom Coughlin's reaction to his arrest:
"After my situation happened, I turned on the TV, and the first words out his mouth was 'sad and disappointing,' "
"I'm like, forget support -- how about some concern? I did just have a bullet in my leg. And then I sat in his office, and he pushed back his chair and goes, 'I'm glad you didn't kill anybody!' Man, we're paid too much to be treated like kids. He doesn't realize that we're grown men and actually have kids of our own."

Comments: Clearly Plaxico deserves the right to be treated like a grown man. I know lots of grown men who put on their favorite pair of sweatpants, tuck their gun in the waistband, and head out to da club. Unfortunately the patrons of New York City night clubs have the right to not be accidentally shot.

Burress on Coughlin:
"He's not a real positive coach,"
"You look around the league, the Raheem Morrises and Rex Ryans -- when their player makes a mistake, they take 'em to the side and say, 'We'll get 'em next time.' But Coughlin's on the sideline going crazy, man. I can't remember one time when he tried to talk a player through not having a day he was having."

Comments: Seriously? You're complaining about getting yelled at by your coach? I used to get yelled at by coaches when I was 7. I generally didn't complain about it but I did tend to complain when my mom wouldn't buy me ice cream after the game.

Coughlin was asked if he was aware any of Burress' comments:
"No, I'm not and I'm really not all that concerned,"
"I'm sure it was lots of grandiose statements. I don't know anything about that but I'm really not interested in it either."

Comments: Grandiose statements in surprisingly an understatement by Coughlin.

Burress on Eli Manning and how Manning did not visit him in prison:
"I was always his biggest supporter, even days he wasn't on, 'cause I could sense he didn't have thick skin,"
"Then I went away, and I thought he would come see me, but nothing, not a letter, in two years. I don't want to say it was a slap in the face, but I thought our relationship was better than that."

Comments: In Eli's defense I probably wouldn't have visited him either. Jail seems scary and somehow I don't think Eli would fair very well in a prison setting.

Manning on not visiting Plax:
"I thought about (visiting Burress) a few times,"
"It just never worked out. Just one of those deals. As soon as he got out, called him a few weeks after and just talked to him for a little bit. It sounded like he learned a lot and it changed his life."

Comments: He thought about visiting AND gave him a call. Isn't that enough?

Burress on his wife:
"I told her, 'Stop sending pictures because they eat me up so much.' Me and her were arguing on the phone each day, 'cause I was locked down in a lot of pain, and she's in pain about her life outside, being alone with a kid and seven months pregnant," "Then at chow, these white officers are yelling, 'You black mother------! You stupid f------ dumbass: You're finished!' It was the lowest point ever in my life."

Comments: Actually that is very sad. The lesson here is if you have a kid and a pregnant wife don't wear sweatpants with a gun in the waistband and go get your drink on.

More from Burress on prison life:
"I was a human pincushion; they were like, 'Yeah, we finally got you, mother------'" he said. "On the cover of the New York Post, it said 'GIANT IDIOT!' and I'm thinking, 'Damn, I went and gave 'em what they wanted. I'm just another gun-toting, famous black athlete.' "

Comments: I have the applaud the New York Post on that headline. Absolutely phenomenal.

Burress on the fans who "hated":
"What are you doing now?"
"You still mad at your job? You still angry about your life? 'Cause I'm back living my life and enjoying my family while you're still doing the same thing."

Comments: Definitely took a page out of the Lebron James book. I think it is pretty clear that anyone who thought he was an idiot for putting a gun in the waistband of his sweatpants and going to get crunk hates their life.

Burress on his decision making skills:
"I was an edge-goer at times, running the streets and living life and not spending time with my family,"
"Or taking risks and not thinking about the consequences, which gave them the chance to take me down."

Comments: I think you took yourself down but I have a greater question. How did the weight of the gun not take down your sweatpants? Guns are heavy.

Burress on speaking out:
"For me, there just comes a time when you want to get things off your chest and you just speak about it at that time and put it behind you,"
"I was just being honest."
"I met with everybody over there (with the Giants) and I think everything went well. We had some good conversations, closure on the situation that happened with me, and everybody over there at that time. And I thought that everything was as good as it probably could have went."

Comments: Closure generally means that you put something behind you. Closure is not trashing your former team in a magazine.

Burress on speaking to NFL rookies:
"I told them, 10 years ago I was sitting where you're at and not trying to hear this sh--,"
"But I threw away $12 million these last two years, and half of you will never even see that. I made a choice and lost everything: my contract, my Nike deal, and the birth of my daughter. That ain't some dude talking; it actually happened."

Comments: Please listen to him NFL rookies. That ain't some dude talking, you should actually listen.

One last thought...How did Plaxico not sign with the Bengals? It seems like a match made in heaven.

Bills Cut Huge Wang!

2011-09-03T15:13:00.000-04:00

http://twitter.com/#!/ByTimGraham/status/110044043911770112

There will be no Wang Gang this year.

I never even got to wear my jersey to a single game

Fourth of July Y'allz!

2011-07-04T19:21:00.000-04:00

While I couldn't track down a clip of the Ray Charles part from The Sandlot, I figured this was the next best thing. That part of the movie always makes my super emotional anyway... I give you Pamela Bell.

Tim Thom Takes Triple Trophy Tandem

2011-06-23T15:40:00.002-04:00

Tim Thomas is just the second player in NHL history to win the Vezina, Conn Smythe and Stanley Cup in a season. Quite an amazing feat. His secret for success? Thomas decided to splurge on a second half for his goalie mask...

Before Stats: 0 Cups, 0 Conn Smythe Trophies, 0 Vezinas

After Stats: 1 Cup, 1 Conn Smythe, 2 Vezinas

Who would have thought that getting rid of the worst helmet in the NHL would lead to such amazing results. Could Theoren Fleury ditch this bucket and return to the NHL to score 50 goals?

Glen Davis goes all "Jimmy" on us

2011-06-21T22:54:00.000-04:00

Upon reading this recent Glen Davis quote, I invented a killer new game called "Drink Every Time Baby Says His Own Name". The rules are as follows... Drink every time Baby says his own name. Are you ready?...

“I just want to make sure I’m Glen Davis wherever I’m at. I think I can be Glen Davis wherever. It just depends on the system, the people around the system, who’s going to let Glen Davis be Glen Davis, not make Glen Davis something they think he should be.’’

Game 7: Predictions

2011-06-15T14:56:00.000-04:00

Is there anything better than a game 7 in the Stanley Cup Finals? The hit on Nathan Horton...The rivalry between Roberto Luongo and Tim Thomas...Brad Marchand punching Daniel Sedin in the face 17 times...Daniel guaranteeing a game 7 victory...This game is shaping up to be a dandy.

My prediction for the game? This picture should say it all...

My second prediction for tonight...

Shortly after winning the cup Tim Thomas will reveal he has signed an endorsement deal with GPS maker Tom Tom. The slogan for this new advertising campaign will be "Tim Thom Uses Tom Tom!"

Enjoy the game!

Horton Hears A Who! Then Gets Leveled

2011-06-08T11:41:00.000-04:00

The hockey world is abuzz after Aaron Rome's questionable hit on Nathan Horton. Lets take a look at the hit...

Okay you have to admit that is pretty close to what actually happened...

Definitely a late hit. I'm looking forward to see how things carry over tonight in game 4.

On a lighter note, have you seen Zdeno Chara's beard? That thing is thick and lustrous. Here's a pic...

High School Soccer?

2011-06-04T14:20:00.000-04:00

Yes this post is about high school soccer. Irmo High entered the South Carolina High School League 4A championship game against Wando High with a perfect, 24-0 record. Irmo was nationally ranked and were as high as Number 1 in the national rankings at one point in the season (I'm not sure how they lost the number 1 spot considering they hadn't lost but we all know that the national high school boys soccer rankings are all about politics). Irmo had their eyes set on a perfect season but Wando had other plans.

This spectacular goal helped propel Wando to a stunning 3-1 victory that denied Irmo a state title. As a rule I don't toss around the word "sick" haphazardly but that goal was totally SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK.

I also like the 1980 USA Hockey-esque team celebration where the entire team gets involved even though the game is still going on...

Keep in mind that this is not an overtime goal. The game is still going on and the US just clears the bench. And they literally did it after every goal. It must have taken 15 minutes to get the game going every time the US scored. Someone tell the NFL that this is an example of excessive celebration, not someone spiking the ball in the endzone.

Anyways...I know this is old but its adorable and I never get sick of it...

Ball Boy Is Dumb...And Sad

2011-06-01T13:25:00.000-04:00

At the French Open, Viktor Troicki and Andy Murray were in the middle of a heated tennis match when something interesting happened.

Troicki was denied an 0-15 lead as the umpire ordered the point to be replayed. Troicki eventually secured a break of serve to go 4-2 up, but was eventually beaten 4-6, 4-6, 6-3, 6-2, 7-5. Troicki showed terrible mental toughness as he seemed to fall apart soon after the interference.

"I had never seen that," Troicki said. "The kid just jumped in and messed up my point. I can't blame him but still, I was a little bit disappointed."

What Troicki actually meant:
"That little douche cost me a point!!! Why would they let such a dumb idiot be a ball boy?!? Clearly that little moron's error made me completely lose my composure and cost me the match!!!

All in all I think we can agree that the ball boy is just a kid (with a smaller than average brain). Troicki claims the outlandish play had nothing to do with the result of the match. I tend to disagree considering he completely fell apart shortly after. One thing we can agree on is...how do you stay mad at that face?

Game 7: No Love Lost Between Lightning And Bruins...

2011-05-27T14:58:00.000-04:00

...with the exception of Steve Downie and Andrew Ferrence.

With The Third Overall Pick In The NFL Draft The Buffalo Bills Select...Bruce Banner

2011-05-25T13:23:00.000-04:00

During an interview with yahoo sports Buffalo Bills first round draft pick Marcell Dareus said this... "The NFL needs to know the Hulk is coming. The Hulk takes control, he doesn’t let anything get past or anything get in the way. That is what I call myself and before I go out to play I get myself into that state of mind. It helps me get ready. It is like I turn into something different and I hope the other guys will call me Hulk. The Hulk is planning to be around for a long time. I am looking at a long career, I think I can play in this league for 12, 13, 14 years and be one of the great ones in my position."

The Hulk is also really looking forward to playing the Denver Broncos who passed on him and selected Von Miller with the second overall pick. "I want to show that they made the wrong move and I feel I was the best guy and the best choice. I have a point to prove to those teams and I can do that by going out and putting on some hurt. I worked my butt off to make my football a certain way. That way is that I dominate, I control everything across my space. That is what those teams missed out on and I am looking forward to seeing them and saying ‘Hello, this is what you could have had.”

Is anyone else excited to watch this guy play? I would not want to be Kyle Orton or Tim Tebow when the Broncos come to Buffalo.

Radford Baseball Is Totally Rad. High Point Baseball Reaches High Point

2011-05-18T14:50:00.000-04:00

What could be more boring than watching an actual baseball game?...A rain delay. Radford University (awesome name for a college) pitcher Mark Peterson and High Point University (insert stoner joke here) catcher Kyle Mahoney found a way to make me actually want to watch a baseball game with the help of a couple teammates during their rain delayed game on Sunday.

This Just In...

2011-05-14T00:04:00.000-04:00

Reports are filtering in at this hour, informing me that Andrei Kirilenko, the man you may know as AK-47, performed a series of errors while dealing in the upkeep of his latest tattoo yesterday evening. Sources say that the Utah forward not only got the tattoo wet, but also fed the tattoo after midnight! The Jazz organization should prepare for the incidence of hijinks to increase tenfold, as the damage to Kirilenko's back appears to be irreparable... See for yourself...

... Various spectators are also claiming that they heard this particular tune booming from Kirilenko's headphones as he walked through the tunnel, en route to stepping on the court for the final Jazz home game...

That Was F#@king Sick!!!

2011-05-13T17:28:00.000-04:00

Roger McDowell: Coach Of The Year

2011-05-13T14:53:00.000-04:00

Justin Quinn, 33, of Fresno said he was in the stands at AT&T Park in San Francisco during pregame batting practice with his wife and 9-year-old twin daughters when Atlanta Braves pitching coach Roger McDowell made some inappropriate comments. Quinn told McDowell to watch his language and was then threatened by the Braves' coach. Quinn and his family held this press conference to address the issue.

I'm glad they decided to have the 9-year-old twins attend the conference and thankfully they dressed them in the same outfits. TALK ABOUT ADORABLE!!!!

Off to the Races

2011-05-07T13:30:00.000-04:00

It's derby day! Before you go blowin' your wad on Mucho Macho Man though, let's take a step back in time, and allow billiards expert Van Hammersly to give us the run-down on the 74' pony race. Bam Bam, and that's why we have Nitrogen!

In actuality, I really did place my wager on Mucho Macho Man, as this video has never not made me laugh...

Sports Schmortz Official Draft Guide

2011-04-28T17:34:00.000-04:00

For the most part, I think it's safe to say that the fine folks over at ESPN do a bang up job of keeping the viewing public in the loop when it comes to the NFL draft. Most of us would probably admit to taking some umbrage at Mel Kiper's hair, but aside from that, the barrage of information the network bombards us with leading up to the draft could be described as nothing less than adequate (if even a little excessive at times). Anyhow, we here at Sports Schmortz are far dumber than the employed people at ESPN, so I've decided to attack the draft from a different angle this year, and speak about the top Quarterbacking prospects in a way that might better cater to our equally stupid readership (you!). JJ and myself knocked our heads together via text message, and came up with a tentative QB power rankings, based solely on the strength of their potential nicknames... that we came up with... I warned you that we were dumb...

1. Blaine Gabbert... While our names for the Missouri QB were a bit cumbersome, they clearly stood head and shoulders above the competition. I came up with Blaine "Blaine, his name is Blaine!?" Gabbert, while JJ championed Blaine "Insane in the Membrane" Gabbert
.

2. Cam Newton... The naming process got a little sloppier, and far less funny, after the Gabbert brain-storming session. The best name I could muster for this national champ was Cam "The Fig" Newton, while JJ coined Cam "The Father of Gravity: Sir Isaac" Newton... I guess that one is actually pretty solid.
.
3. Jake Locker... At this point I think it's pretty evident that we became bored with naming soon-to-be NFL quarterbacks... JJ - Jake "The Meat" Locker... Me - Jake "Academy Awards Best Picture winner: The Hurt" Locker.
.
... So there you have it. Better read all of this before the draft happens at 8, so you know what the fuck is going on.

Sad Vince Vaughn on Blackhawks loss...

2011-04-28T01:28:00.001-04:00

... "So NOT money, baby."

NBA PostSeason Madness

2011-04-25T02:10:00.001-04:00

With my NY Knicks ending their playoff run in a complete anti-climax this afternoon, it's fair to say that I'll probably exert most of my remaining basketball energy this season rooting against the Lakers. Needless to say, I was fired up to see the Hornets beat LA this evening, causing Kobe to clench his jaw like I haven't seen in quite some time. More needless-er to say, however, is that fact that I was NOT as fired up as this particular NOLA fan, who was caught on camera a moment after Jarret Jack drained one of his game-icing free throws, and who may or may not have once been your lunch lady. She's pictured here giving a patented Fonzie double-thumbs-up...
. Apropos of nothing, I also decided to give this mystery fan the ol' Waynes World treatment... Guess who just busted their making a .GIF file cherry...
.I did!... WWWWWWWWHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

2011-04-22T18:38:00.000-04:00

Chris Pronger lets one rip, turning the Wells Fargo Center into the Smells Farto Center

Sports Schmortz on TV!

2011-04-21T16:16:00.001-04:00

Fans cheer on blue and gold from plaza: wivb.com

More Green Men

2011-04-20T12:30:00.000-04:00

Yahoo! Sports is the new Miss Cleo

2011-04-15T13:45:00.000-04:00

Now that Chicago knows the future, will they be able to change it?

Coco Crisp Can't Hear You

2011-04-15T12:18:00.000-04:00

Dominic Moore Doesn't Understand Hockey

2011-04-14T11:45:00.000-04:00

In case you aren't a huge hockey fan, typically you wait for the puck to cross the goal line before you celebrate.

My favorite part of Moore's premature celebration is the way he skates by the net and decides not to score an easy goal. Moore then realizes he's an idiot and tries to recover with a one handed sweeping effort. I also love the commentary on the play, "You can't put your hands up unless you know it's in the net." If only I would have been given this valuable nugget of hockey knowledge when I started playing. I can only assume I would be in the NHL if my premature celebrations didn't cost me my shot.

Anyways...Go Bolts!!!

NHL PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!

2011-04-13T01:54:00.000-04:00

People are already lining up to punch Stamkos in his tiny-eyed face.

Time to get out the ol' Pots 'n Pans!

2011-04-11T20:10:00.000-04:00

Considering our beloved Sabres qualified for the NHL playoffs again this year, I'm assuming you realize what our obligation is as Buffalo die-hards... We must create a fake Stanley Cup from stolen Kitchenware, and then fill that shit up with candy! The squad needs us now more than ever. I must stress the fact that if we don't make a fake championship trophy out random household items, nobody will... and then we're super fucked.

Show up at the JJ and Budz house on Friday night, get loose, and help us tape up the ol' Pots n' Pans for one more go-around! We'll set aside a specific amount of time at some point throughout the evening proceedings, where you'll be permitted to take photos with the completed trophy, along side the Sports Schmortz super-star writing staff. Don't miss this opportunity. All I need is some Pots and Pans!...

New Favorite Jersey

2011-04-09T13:11:00.001-04:00

For the past few years my undisputed favorite jersey sighting of all time has been this gem...

I mean how could it possibly get better than "Dinger 99"?

Little did I know how naive I was. Little did I know that a new jersey would come along and sweep me off my feet. Here it is folks...My new favorite jersey sighting of all time

The number 69. The fact that this fine gentleman decided that one "X" on the end of "box" was just not enough. I can only hope there is a captain "C" on the other side of this miraculous feat of jeseydom.

If you want to see some other great jersey sightings check out Greg Wyshynski's article on Yahoo Sports.

Sabres Clinch A Playoff Birth... Fans Are Bad At Spelling

2011-04-08T22:20:00.001-04:00

It's Friday!!!!

2011-04-08T11:48:00.002-04:00

My favorite part is clearly the butt smack at the end.

One Reason To Cheer For the Vancouver Canucks In The Playoffs

2011-04-07T14:42:00.001-04:00

I don't understand the waffles but they certainly seemed necessary.

Wooooo

2011-03-31T19:20:00.000-04:00

It's Back

"I Don't Card Them"

2011-03-24T16:01:00.000-04:00

Former New York Giants Linebacker and Pro Football Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor had some great arguments on Fox News' "Studio B with Shepard Smith," after he was sentenced to six years probation for sexual misconduct and patronizing a 16-year-old prostitute stemming from an incident in May 2010. Here's some of his better points...

Taylor: "That's not my M.O. I've been around kids and people all my life,"

Taylor: "I'm not the cause of prostitution. And sometimes I make mistakes and I may go out there. And I didn't go pick her up on no playground. She wasn't hiding behind the school bus or getting off a school bus. This is a working girl that came to my room."

Taylor: "It's the world of prostitution, you never know what you're gonna get. Is it gonna be a pretty girl, an ugly girl or whatever it's gonna be."
Reporter: "Or a young girl?"
Taylor: "You can only ask. I don't card them. I don't ask for a birth certificate."

Taylor: "I have no beef with the girl"

Taylor: "It happens sometimes, I'd been on the road 10 or 11 days and I came in to town. Actually, I made a phone call to a friend of mine, and he made a phone call."

Taylor: "I'm not looking for a relationship. Hey, sometimes I look for some company, It's all clean. I don't have to worry about your feelings. It's all clean. I'm not saying it's right. It's the oldest profession in the world."

Taylor: "I guess you call it a crime it's one of those crimes you don't think about. You never think you're gonna get busted because everyone does it until you get busted, and then it's more embarrassing than anything else."

I think we can all relate to those points. Especially from someone who was ranked as the 6th best Techmo Super Bowl player in history.

As if the OKC Thunder couldn't get any cooler...

2011-03-23T14:19:00.000-04:00

...ESPN (the mag) dropped this little Q & A on us, featuring the Western squad's big man and the league's leading scorer...

...What, you think these guys sit around reading Entertainment Weekly or something? I imagine the Thunder all live in a house together, kind of like The Monkees, where they spend every passing moment talking about dunking off guys noses, and filling all their digits up with rings. These dudes are hungry! I'll bet Durantula wears his Nikes to bed on game nights.

As If I Needed Another Reason To Love Morehead...

2011-03-19T15:14:00.001-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Morehead State's Women's College Basketball coach, Tom Hodges...

I don't have any idea how the Lady Eagles are doing this year, but if Tom Hodges doesn't win coach of the year, it's a travesty.

Morehead! Morehead! Morehead!

Morehead! Morehead! Morehead!

2011-03-17T15:52:00.000-04:00

The first upset of the NCAA Men's College Basketball Tournament is in the books. Morehead State just shocked Louisville 62-61. I can't help but think the Morehead State fans are completely responsible for this victory. The constant chanting of "Morehead! Morehead! Morehead! Morehead!" obviously carried their team to victory. Consider your bracket busted!

Choice is Yours

2011-03-15T21:43:00.000-04:00

I present you with two early classics in the burgeoning "People shouting Gibberish at video games" youtube genre. Placed in a scenario where only one of these videos could exist, which would you thump, and which one would get the gladiator-style thumbs-up? Before you choose, and potentially make a case for your favorite in the comments section, take into account the acclaimed Ashton Kutcher drama The Butterfly Effect... Basically, don't fuck things up for everybody...

vs.
.

I'm aware the Marvel v. Capcom video is only tangentially sports-related, but I thought it was funny, so it got the go-ahead. I call the shots around here! Fuck You Gumby!

Social Network Fever!!!

2011-03-15T21:22:00.000-04:00

Now that Sports Schmortz is one of the most followed accounts on Twitter (we can't compete with Lady GaGa, but no one can) it's time to keep this Social Networking train rolling. We have a new facebook page, so find us and like us. Just look at what people are already saying about our page...

@Kimberlyn Del Prince > @Sports Schmortz
"what a shitty facebook page"

Sports Schmortz has a Twitter

2011-03-14T16:36:00.000-04:00

.So, you're wild about sports, but are interested in Bobby "Boris" Pickett as well? Do you dig on the classic teen dramedy Valley Girl? If you answered yes to either of these questions, you may want to look at this small smattering of the keen insights, and apt observations you'll be privy to if you start following the official Sports Schmortz twitter feed...

. ... and that's just the tip of the metaphorical Iceberg folks. Join the revolution here...
SportsSchmortz Twitter

Women's College Basketball Bracketology

2011-03-11T15:18:00.000-05:00

... I'm just kidding. No one cares about Women's College Basketball.

Zdeno Chara Just Murdered That Guy!

2011-03-09T13:20:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday night, Boston Bruins defenseman Zdeno Chara committed murder on Montreal Canadiens forward Max Pacioretty. I'm not kidding...

Okay, well I am kidding. Pacioretty suffered a severe concussion (AKA an exploded brain), and a non-displaced fractured fourth cervical vertebrae in his neck. This is a big loss for the Canadiens as Pacioretty has 11 goals and 6 assists in his last 20 games. Fans of the Habs are so upset with the hit that they've taken to youtube to get back at Chara and the Boston Bruins.

In case you didn't get the main idea of this film, here's a quick summary...

"The Bruins and their fans are shit. The Habs have won 14 cups since 1970".

The creator of this video fails to mention that no one on the Habs tries to do anything to Chara after the fact. I know he's 8 feet tall but someone has to drop the mitts and try to hit Chara in the mind. In the Canadiens defense, Scott Gomez does appear to chirp Chara after he nearly ended the life of Pacioretty. I can only assume he said something that hurt Chara's feelings.

This hit certainly wasn't the dirtiest thing I've ever seen happen during a hockey game but I do think it warrants a suspension. After watching the hit about 35 times I was inspired to rank the top 3 dirtiest things I've ever seen in a hockey game.

3.)

2.)

1.)

Honorable mentions:
- Hawks defenseman crosschecks Mighty Ducks star Adam Banks on breakaway.
-Carl Racki's cheapshot on Hamilton Mustangs captain Derek Sutton.

Ha!

2011-03-09T02:06:00.000-05:00

Get it?... Like he's sucking a dick!

Welcome home Melo!

2011-02-22T16:14:00.001-05:00

If you hadn't heard, the Knicks aquired Carmelo Anthony, along with Mr. Big Shot Chauncey Billups from the Denver Nuggets yesterday evening, in exchange for Danillo Galinari and a whole cadre of weird NY mutants. It's about time 15 got to step out of that gross satin-y baby-blue nuggets gear. Jamelle Hill, along side a sizeable portion of other important sports journalists and pundits claimed that the NY squad gave up too many assets in their hunt for the much-salivated-over Nugget. In response to these claims, I'm going to take a page out of the Seal song-book, and say, "We're never gonna survive, unless we get a little crazy". C'mon Jamelle!

Knicks also reaquired long time Zeis-family idol, and Puerto Rican national team member, Renaldo Balkman (who you can read more about here), along with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome sufferer Shelden Williams in the trade as well...

Woof

Fantasy Fishing 2011!!!!!!!!!!

2011-02-17T11:06:00.000-05:00

Fantasy fishing starts tomorrow so everybody has to sign up right away. Once again, yes fantasy fishing is a real and no you probably wont beat me but there will be prizes for people who get close.(prizes that come from me are usually cans of Joose)

go to espn.com and click on fantasy and games and look for B.A.S.S. fishing.

or just click here

group name: sportsschmortz

password: fishing

Good luck guys.

Get Psyched on the Dunk Contest

2011-02-16T17:28:00.000-05:00

Giant Ladder, check. Trampoline, check. Bass Drum, check. Guy in chicken suit sitting atop said giant ladder, check. As if Earth Blake The Flyin' Lion Griffin's inclusion in this year's dunk contest wasn't enough incentive to watch this thing, DeMar DeRozan tweeted this shot, previewing one of his dunks. Note to the Staples Center, have your ambulances (Ambuli?) on the ready.

Face Forward, True Believers!

2011-01-28T17:47:00.001-05:00

Click the image for a larger view

Recently, the Budz posted a Sports Schmortz exclusive, dealing with the retarded line of NHL-themed super heroes marvel has been releasing ove the past couple of months. While reading the article, it occured to me that the comic book co. had only been unveiling good guys, and hadn't yet shown us any sports-related villains. Being the comics/sports enthusiast I am, I figured I should toss my hat into the ring, and try my hand at creating a bad guy for the ultra-stupid Hockey super heroes to wage battle against. The above image is what I came up with.

Gretzky Turns 50

2011-01-27T22:32:00.001-05:00

This week Wayne Gretzky turned 50 years old. Happy Birthday to the Great One!!

... And now for something completely different.

2011-01-26T18:54:00.000-05:00

Aussie Open Update! This past evening the world's top ranked tennis player, Rafa Nadal, was ousted from play at the years first major tournament. Nadal was bested in straight sets by fellow Spanish countryman David Ferrer, in what most are calling a bona fide shocker (shocker brah!). Upon his 3rd set defeat, Rafa collapsed onto the blue Australian playing surface where he was promptly stomped by a giant Terry Gilliam foot. Fuck Nadal. Let's go Ameri... err, let's go Dave-o Ferrer I guess?

------------------------------------------------------

.....

Also, I'm doing this again, if you're into indie rock and other even-more-pretentious stuff like that... Enough shameless plugging for now.

NHL gets Super... Super Lame

2011-01-21T10:40:00.001-05:00

With the NHL post-season less than 3 months away, a number of teams have decided to bolster their rosters in hopes of making a deep playoff run. Unlike years past these additions haven't come through trades but through free agency. Let's take a look at the signings (I can't believe some of these guys were still on the market).

Cyclops, Iceman, and Archangel of the X-men have been signed by the Penguins, Sabres, and Flyers respectively.

.
.

...The Edmonton Oilers targeted an enforcer with some toughness, and picked up the Juggernaut...

Batman was probably the most sought after free agent in the bunch, and was eventually signed by the Vancouver Canucks...

Ironman decided he didn't like the color yellow anymore and painted the yellow sections of his suit blue. After this it was a no-brainer for him to became a Montreal Canadien...

The Tampa Bay Lightning surprised everyone by passing on Spider Man villain the Shocker and signing the Silver Surfer instead...

The Shocker, in turn, signed with the Dallas Stars...

The Lightning were supposedly in negotiations with X-man mutant Storm, but she decided she'd rather join the WNBA. Obviously she signed with the Los Angeles Sparks...

...The most shocking signing of the week came when the San Jose Sharks signed... an actual shark.

The NHL is not sure if they will allow the shark play because he is "Not human." The Sharks are arguing that Boston Bruins defenseman Zdeno Charo is allowed to play even though he is clearly a giraffe.
.
If you actually want to know why these stupid NHL Super Heroes exist here's the story.

To sum it up:
Stan Lee likes money and hockey. The NHL decided to pay him to come up with a super hero for each NHL team. Stan Lee is lazy and basically just took super heroes that already existed and put NHL logos on them.

Bravo NHL! That has to be the best marketing campaign ever!!

Speaking of giraffes...

Talk about controversy. I can't believe they let that zebra out of the gate early. You'd think an animal versus human race would be conducted with much more professionalism.

Cedric The (Involuntary) Entertainer

2011-01-20T18:35:00.000-05:00

Today I stumbled upon an interesting story on ESPN.com that made me end my long hiatus from sportswriting. The hiatus was a result of 100% laziness, but this was something I needed to comment on. I knew it would be a good article when I saw the caption "Former Hawkeye Everson convicted in sex case".

Webster going for the "Glasses make you look innocent" approach, personally, I buy it.

I had never heard of this story until today, but naturally this article caught my immediate attention. Cedric Everson, supposedly, thought it would be a good idea to have sex with a passed out girl in a vacant dorm room. The story is that this had came after one of his teammates had already sexually assaulted the same girl. I guess Everson isn't ashame of some sloppy seconds. Part of article on ESPN states "But Judge Paul Miller ruled Tuesday there was no evidence Satterfield had "aided and abetted" Everson, an element required under Iowa's gang rape law". I found this quite amusing that Iowa has a gang rape law. I'm sure it would be a great read but really I'm just too lazy. I don't know if maybe having a set gang rape law is Iowa specific or if other states have them, which again I am too lazy to look into.

Everyone knows that if the late Johnny Cochran were still alive, the defendant would have been found innocent. I suspect he would have busted out the "Four Loko Defense". Everyone knows that if both parties involved have drank a Four Loko that evening, anything goes.

Regardless, Cochran was not there to defend Everson, therefore he is now convicted of misdemeanor assault for raping a chick, not having to register as a sex offender. I know absolutely nothing about this but it seems like a soft sentencing. Being that this happened in October 2007, my theory is that the jury was mostly males, and that this happened on the night of Halloween parties and the jury didn't blame him as much because girls dress slutty on Halloween.

Face-off!

2011-01-18T20:59:00.001-05:00

We are now halfway through the NBA season and the battle for best face of the year is really heating up. The reigning champ, Pau Gasol, is facing some stiff competition this season from Blake Griffin.

Here is Griffin showing off one of his favorite faces, the cry hysterically at the ball face.

While not a very effective basketball strategy, it has earned him major points in the face of the year category.

This is his "deep thought" face.

(He's most likely attempting to figure out what his hair is made of.)

...the only face a man can make in the situation going on here.

Somebody really needs to tell him that when you're actually farting you don't need to also make a fart noise with your mouth.

Here is Blake doing his Ray Liotta from Goodfellas while Baron Davis and Eric Gordon argue over who gets to be Joe Pesci...

Finally we have Blake Griffin's most famous move...

..."The sitting on a floating invisible toilet layup."

Finally, I made a really crappy slideshow that took me entirely too long to put together to go along with this post.

Breaking News from the Australian Open

2011-01-17T03:17:00.000-05:00

This just in folks. America's very favorite limp-wristed mongoloid, Sam Querry, was just bumped from competition in only the first round of the Australina Open. Experts attribute the loss to Querry's extra chromosome, as well as his penchant for taking hard D's up his BH.

Oh Charles (sigh)

2011-01-07T02:10:00.000-05:00

This exchange actually took place during NBA coverage on TNT. Keep in mind, the correct answer was Forrest Gump...

Kenny Smith: I feel like Tom Hanks in ... what's that movie?

Charles Barkley: Philadelphia?

Tuesday Afternoon Punter: Thursday Morning/End of Regular Season Edition

2011-01-06T00:55:00.000-05:00

Brian Moorman 2010 season stats: 75 punts for a 42.4 yard average or the 24th best average in the league. He also managed 0 fake punt passes and 1 failed fake punt run. In other words, Moorman is over the hill. It is time to bust out the Moorman clone that I am sure has been in development for some time now and should be ready to go by training camp.

This season Buffalo has managed to look slightly better than last year's DickBills while at the same time winning two less games. The highlight of the season should've been when Bills linebacker Arthur Moats killed Brett Favre but somebody managed to reanimate his corpse and force it into 1 last game where the zombie Favre finally had its brains bashed in by a team which I refuse to mention at this point in this post.

I would recap what happened with the other teams this season but as you all know I am very lazy and this season was really boring. Also, once hockey started up again I quit caring about football.

I guess I could talk about The Bears and how much I hate them.

Here are things I hate about The Bears this season:

The NFL allowed them to participate despite the FACT that they are terrible and I hate them for reasons that are no longer clear to me and probably don't even make sense anymore.

The Bears stole Buffalo's glory as being the team to finally put an end to Brett Favre and his gun/dingerslinging ways.

Buffalo lost to the Bears this year to remain winless in Canada.

Jay Cutler somehow did not lead the league in interceptions.

The Bears not only Bear'd their way into the playoffs but managed to Bear themselves up a 1st round bye. Come on NFL! Somebody better beat them and beat them bad. If The Superbowl ends up coming down to Patriots or Jets vs. The Bears then I will spend Superbowl Sunday at either an all day farmers market(if those exist) or Jo Ann Fabrics.(Those are the two gayest things I can think up on the fly that will insure that I don't catch any of the game.)

In recent weeks, various people have pointed out that I look like Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick...

I still don't see it.

Even if I did somehow look like him(I don't) it is no longer true

This is the freshly shaved Ryan Fitzpatrick. As you can see he looks nothing like me.

This presents a new problem for me. People are scrambling to figure out which NFL QB I look like now. It did not take them long to say that I look like none other than the no longer immortal gunslinger, Brett Favre...

That is me on the right and I think it is quite clear that I DO NOT look like Favre over there on the left despite what people may think.

I am going to go out on top and just end this post right there.

(I know I have said it before but I promise that this is the last time Brett Favre will be mentioned by me EVER.)

Keep on puntin' on and here is my punt of the year...

I still have no idea what The Canadian Football League is or why it exists.

Gus Johnson System: The Proof Is In The Pudding

2011-01-04T15:45:00.000-05:00

With the closing of the 2010 NFL Regular Season I think its about time to take a look at how well the Gus Johnson System worked. Of the 17 games called by Gus this year, 13 of them had the over hit. That means any game announced by Gus Johnson will have a 76.47% chance of hitting the over. Based on the point differential, the average Gus Johnson announced game will beat the over by 7.588235294 points. Does the Gus Johnson System Work??????

The Proof is in the pudding!!!

Let's do a quick hypothetical scenario. If someone would have bet $100 on the Gus Johnson over every week they would have seen a net profit of $900. Not a bad return on investment.

I of course bet much more than $100 a week because I had so much faith in the system. My faith paid off big time. Here's a picture of me celebrating after the Gus over hit for a 13th time in Week 17...

Unfortunately Gus Johnson will not be announcing any playoff games. Sad I know, but I'm currently working with Harvard probability and game theory experts to see if the system could perhaps be used for college basketball. The jury is still out but I have a feeling the Power of Gus will work just as well for college b-ball games. With calls like this the Gus Johnson System is looking very promising for betting college hoops...

This week in Beast vs Beast we have a triple threat match between a lion, a hyena, and a leopard. Enjoy!

Last Chance For The Investment Opportunity Of A Lifetime

2010-12-29T13:20:00.000-05:00

There is only one week left in the 2010 NFL regular season and that means only one thing...

One more chance to bet the Gus Johnson over! We can only hope Gus somehow lands the announcing gig for a playoff game but it's not likely. I urge you to act now or you could miss out on the investment opportunity of a lifetime!

Gus is announcing the Buffalo Bills vs New York Jets game this week. The line is set at 39.5 points but it could be set at 100 for all I care. The Gus Johnson System has shown to work time and time again. As always, I expect Mr. Johnson to make me a huge winner.

Over the past few months I've been doing a statistical analysis of the results of Gus Johnson announced games this season. The results are simply amazing. I will share my conclusions after week 17 (start getting excited now). In the mean time, I did do a statistical analysis of how my Gus Johnson winnings have affected my life and it turns out Ma$e, Biggie, and Puff were right. Here's a look at the analysis:

I figured Ma$e, Biggie, and Puff wouldn't have made that song without some kind of scientific basis but I just had to be sure.

In the world of extreme sports, Cynthia Izaguirre of Channel 7 Action News is reporting that gays and blind people are below average at mountain climbing. Here's the shocking story...

I really didn't believe Ms. Izaguirre at first but then I found this footage of a gay blind person climbing a mountain...

Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Only someone heartbroken by the imminent loss of their gay/blind lover could bellow such a passionate lament.

Lastly I wanted to add a new segment to my posts called Beast vs Beast (this is an obvious spin-off of my favorite show of all time, Man vs Beast). Beast vs Beast will pit two unlikely foes against each other in a fight to the death. In this weeks installment... Tiger vs Crocodile. Please place your bets now.

The Juice is Loose

2010-12-23T14:26:00.000-05:00

I know what your thinking...

Was it a bigger feat to break 2000 yards in one season or slice two necks in one night? Great question.

I'll open this topic up for debate in the comments section.

Fuck This Guy

2010-12-22T03:21:00.000-05:00

... Actually, just hate.

JoePa Can't Hear You

2010-12-14T14:36:00.000-05:00

Listen in as the 276 year old yoda, and Penn State head football coach, Joe Paterno channels Sexually Speaking interim host, Roger Brush.

The Battle of Lake Erie 2: Payback

2010-12-10T10:28:00.000-05:00

The Battle of Lake Erie 2: Payback, will take place between the Buffalo Bills (or the Bubbaduh Bill as I call them) and the Cleveland Browns at 1pm on Sunday, within Ralph Wilson Stadium in Orchard Park, NY. This game culminates with the rematch of one of the most epic games in the history of the NFL. Here's a quick recap of the first installment of the Battle of Lake Erie...

If you're like me, then watching this video just gave you goosebumps. The sheer inability of anyone on the field to make a play was breath taking. Every highlight depicted someone making a mistake. The only reason the Browns actually won, was that they recovered a fumble in field goal range. God knows the offense couldn't have gotten them there by moving the ball themselves. This game was truly the NFL at its best.
Spoiler Alert: The Bills did not get back into the division race at any point in the season.

Surprisingly, the Battle of Lake Erie 2 has not sold out, forcing the game to be blacked out in the Buffalo area. The game won't be the only thing blacked out in the Buffalo area, as Sports Schmortz writers JJ Mackinnon, Clark Zeis, Jon Greenland, and myself will be attending this battle of the titans. If you're not familiar with Greenland, he wrote one article like a year ago, and it wasn't very good. The forecast is calling for rain/snow and a high of 34° (1.11° C for our Canadian readers). A 2-10 team against a 5-7 team in 34° weather with rain and snow...Sounds like the making of a perfect day to me.

The Sports Schmortz Posse (a sister-posse of the Insane Clown Posse) will be attending the game with four beautiful blonde bombshells, topping out at a total of 8 members in our group.
Note: Two of the bombshells are in fact dudes. Yes, a dude can be a bombshell, and I don't think it's gay to say that.

There is one catch to what is otherwise setting up to be a perfect day. Four of our seats are in row 6 and four are in row 10. Obviously sitting 4 rows in front of other people is extremely important, so the row 6 seats are becoming a hot commodity. In order to determine the lucky row 6ers, I first suggested a King Solomonesque scenario where I'd cut the row 6 tickets in half, but then I thought of a way better way...

The bottle pictured above is Seagrams Canadian Hunter Whiskey. In the ultimate test of who really wants it, the four members of our posse that drink the most Canadian Hunter will be named "True Canadian Hunters", and, in turn, be awarded the 6th row seats.

Let the games begin!!!!

Tuesday Night Punter

2010-12-07T23:26:00.000-05:00

Sportz Schmortz's longest running and most beloved column is back!

It has been about a month since my last post on here. I know a lot of you have missed me. The reason for my absence was that I was devastated by my upset loss at The Sports Schmortz awards. That classless hack Richard Budnik did not deserve to win. I almost did not return but then Clark lured me back into it with a bottle of Evan Williams Egg Nog so here we go...

Moorman stats week 13: 6 punts for 44.2 average and 0 fakes

I'm just going to say it right now, Moorman is washed up. It's week 14 and he has 0 touchdowns. I might have to switch my focus to a new punter next year. Moorman isn't the real story from this week though. The real story is that Buffalo put Brett Favre out of his misery.

He's dead.

No more Wranglers commercials and more importantly no more dick pics.

This is likely the last time he will be mentioned on this blog.

This was the last image taken from Sunday's game at Ralph Wilson Stadium.

There is something that I would like to address. Over the last couple of years various people have said that I look like certain Quarterbacks. I am here to put an end to that right now.

I do not look like J.P. Losman

I do not look like Jay Cutler

And I certainly do not look like Ryan Fitzpatrick

This matter has been put to rest.

I don't want to pull a hammy on my 1st post in over a month so I think I am going to stop here.

Look for me this Sunday at The Ralph as Buffalo hosts Cleveland in The Battle of Lake Erie.

Keep on puntin' on and here is your punt of the week:

Gus Johnson...Under?

2010-12-05T16:17:00.000-05:00

It's official. Hell Has Frozen Over.

Pigs Have Learned To Fly.

Sports Schmortz writer JJ Mackinnon now likes the Chicago Bears.

The over in the Gus Johnson game did not hit.

In the Tennessee Titans versus Jacksonville Jaguars game the Gus Johnson System surprisingly failed to produce a winner.

Disclaimer: The Gus Johnson System is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information on the subject of sports betting. It is provided with the understanding that neither the author nor the publisher is engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional services by providing this Web site. The author and publisher shall not be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential or other damages. As each individual situation is unique, questions relevant to sports betting and specific to the individual should be addressed to an appropriate professional to ensure that the situation has been carefully and appropriately evaluated.

I apologize to any of you who bet your life savings on the Gus Johnson over this week. My only explanation for the over not hitting is that, just like when Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson had the game winning touchdown in his hands, God intervened. The only force more powerful than Gus Johnson is God himself. I'm not sure why God decided to trump Gus. My only guess is that he temporarily got tired of watching women change clothes and decided to throw a wrench in an otherwise well oiled machine of a system out of spite.

Although the System did not work this week I am going to personally guarantee that the over will hit next week. I'm so confident that I going to go as far as to Guaran-Damn-Tee it.

guardamntee [gar-uhn-dam-tee]: an ultimate promise or assurance, esp. one in writing, that something is of specified quality, content, benefit, etc., or that it will perform satisfactorily for a given length of time
Example: Vince Mcmahon - "I guarandamntee I will kick your ass!"

In the meantime, for those of you who lost a lot of dough using the Gus Johnson System this week...

Hang in there!

NBA Trend Spotting: Giant Headphones

2010-11-30T02:04:00.001-05:00

If you've caught any NBA pregame coverage throughout this young season, you've probably spotted one of the league's participants casually strolling down an arena corridor, sporting a pair of massive headphones. NBA team-specific headphones seem to be all the rage this year, and will almost certainly be flying off the shelves for the duration of the upcoming Christmas shopping season. If you consult the picture above, you'll notice 5 time NBA champion, and alleged rapist, Kobe Bryant wearing a customized purple-and-gold set of limited edition "Beats by Dre" phones. This particular set is specially constructed to make any high-end designer suit appear infinitely more tacky. Sources close to the Laker claim that Kobe has put an end to listening to his customary pre-game Jay-Z album this season, instead opting for an IPOD playlist he lovingly refers to as Lilith Fair Jamz 4E. Bryant closes the playlist with the classic Luscious Jackson hit Ladyfingers, which he says "helps me get up for big games"...

Stevie Johnson's Drop: Clearly God's Fault

2010-11-29T10:34:00.000-05:00

After Buffalo Bills wideout Stevie Johnson dropped a game winning touchdown against the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday he did what anyone would do in his situation. He blamed God. Johnson tweeted:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS? HOW?!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO…

Now this might seem like blasphemy to some of our God-fearing readers but I found this interesting picture of Stevie Johnson during his drop...

If you look closely you can clearly see the hand of God knocking the ball out of Stevie Johnson's hands. So can we please stop crucifying Stevie for his twitter remarks? I think it's pretty clear this drop was God's fault. In God We Trust? Apparently not if you're a Bills fan.

Stevie Johnson was devastated after his drop but he decided it was the perfect time to unveil his newest corporate sponsor. Here's a picture of Stevie making the best of it after coming down with a bad case of butterfingers.

I hated to see Stevie drop such an important pass but I had to admit Butterfinger knows how to advertise.

Now I wanted to rectify one thing from my last post where I gave an in-depth analysis of the name Stevie. I stupidly forgot to mention a very important Stevie. The Stevie I am referring to is Stevie Ray from the WCW tag team the Harlem Heat. I would like to apologize and I ask you, could Booker T and Steve Ray win the WCW Tag Team Championship a record ten times? No way in hell!!!(on a side note the Harlem Heat are the only thing hotter than hell)

Lastly if you watched the Miami Dolphins take on the Oakland Raiders you saw the Gus Johnson System work again. The over for this game was 38 and there were 50 points scored. Since the Systems invention I am a perfect 3 for 3 with betting the over. Honestly people I'm starting to feel bad for all the bookies out there.

The Gus Johnson System: It's like printing your own money.

RIP Leslie Nielsen

2010-11-28T23:51:00.000-05:00

.
Today we mourn the loss of the man who provided us with these gems.

Gus Does It Again

2010-11-22T20:11:00.000-05:00

Well its official. The Gus Johnson System has worked again. The 41.5 point over hit before the second half even started on Sunday as the Buffalo Bills toppled the Cincinnati Bengals 49-31. The Bills single handedly demolished the over for this game mostly due to Stevie Johnson's 8 receptions for 137 yards and 3 touchdowns.

After Johnson's first touchdown he decided to be a real joker (pun totally intended) and lifted his jersey to reveal the words "Why so serious?" written on a white undershirt. The touchdown celebration was a brilliantly clever poke at Bengals wide receivers Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens who declared themselves the Batman and Robin of the Cincinnati receiving core before the start of the 2010 NFL season. Pictured below is Stevie Johnson delivering his delightfully delicious satire of his wide receiving peers.

Now while watching this game I couldn't help but notice that Stevie Johnson was called Steve Johnson a number of times. Now I'm not one to criticize the all mighty Gus Johnson, but Stevie Johnson will never be Steve Johnson in my heart. Would Stevie Nicks have been popular if her name was Steve Nicks? No. Would someone named Steve Wonder ever sell a single record? No. Would anyone want to listen to Steve Ray Vaughn play guitar? The answer is most certainly no. I think I've made it pretty clear that calling yourself Stevie instantly makes you awesome (or I just can't think of any more Stevies). Johnson had way too good of a game to ever be called Steve. It's rare that I would ever go against Gus Johnson but he really dropped the ball on this one.

Now back to the Gus Johnson System. The over for the Bengals vs Bills game was 41.5 and the amount of points scored was 80. Yeah. That's almost double folks. The System has made me wealthier than I could have ever dreamed. It's gotten to the point where I'm pretty much printing my own money. The money looks something like this...

The Gus Johnson System has also made those readers who listened to my advice extremely rich. One of those lucky readers sent me a video to thank me for introducing him to the Gus Johnson System. Here he is counting his Gus Johnson System winnings...

I'm not sure what game Gus is announcing for this week but you can bet your rear end I'll be betting the over.

Blake Griffin is Good

2010-11-21T13:42:00.000-05:00

I didn't think of anything funny to write about these highlights. I was too busy trying to conceal my raging boner.

Bills RB has big day against Lions

2010-11-17T18:29:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday, Buffalo Bills factor-back Fred Jackson accounted for 110 yards total offense, hauled in a pair of touchdowns, and delivered a sideline butt-baby en route to defeating the Detroit Lions 14-12. Fred is pictured here at the exact moment that his infant's gelatinous/polymorphous head was popping out of his gross stretched-out butthole.

This Just in... Gus Johnson will be calling the Bills and Bengals this coming Sunday. Buckle your seatbelts folks.

The Gus Johnson System

2010-11-16T18:21:00.000-05:00

What I'm about to share with you is what can only be described as the investment opportunity of a lifetime. With the help of a number of mathematicians from Harvard I've developed a fool proof sports betting system. It took the collaboration of some of the most brilliant minds in the fields of game theory and probability but my system has finally been perfected (picture the movie Good Will Hunting but I ask the elitist arrogant douche with a pony tail if he likes apples instead of Matt Damon).

My incredibly profitable sports betting strategy is based around easily excitable football announcer Gus Johnson and is in turn called the Gus Johnson System. The System is brilliant in its simplicity but you'd have to be a super genius to truly understand all of the complex nuances that make it work. To enact the Gus Johnson System there are five steps:

1. Find out what game Gus Johnson is announcing for the corresponding NFL week.
2. Take all the money in your bank account and bet the over for this game.
3. Tune in and enjoy the sheer excitement of Gus Johnson's announcing as he lifts both offenses into a scoring frenzy.
4. Watch the over hit.
5. Count the enormous pile of money you won.

This system has already made me a millionaire but I've decided to pass it on to our readers due to the fact that they probably don't have a lucrative career as a sports blogger and could really use the money. Here is a clip of Gus Johnson announcing the 48.5 point over hitting during the last play of the Jacksonville Jaguars vs Houston Texans game last Sunday...

Now that I've made all of you financially secure for life I'd like to close by expressing how honored I was to receive the award for "Best New Writer" at the 2010 Schmortzie Awards. This is pretty much what I looked like when I was announced the winner...

After the wrap up party I was still way too excited to go to sleep and instead went on a week long celebration bender. This is one of the activities that I took part in during my bender...

Thank you to Sports Schmortz senior editors Clark Zeis and JJ Mackinnon for giving me my chance to shine. It's been a long journey from naive school boy to sports blogging juggernaut but damn have I enjoyed the ride.

Sports Schmortz: Celebrating 200 Years (posts) in Useless Blogging Excellence

2010-11-12T02:53:00.000-05:00

Let the inside jokes commence!

Sports Schmortz Photo retrospective done by JJ "Look at me, I Have a Mac Book" Mackinnon

My goodness. If you would have told me two years ago that our then floundering seed of a Sports Schmortz would one day blossom into the Internets most vital professional sporting hub, I'm not sure how I would have reacted. Most likely I would have first laughed right in your ugly face for a lengthy bit, then attempted to spit directly into your mouth (a la LeRon McClain) until I ran out of good spittin' spit. This is all beside the point however, as this particular post marks a momentous occasion, for which we should all be rejoicing. Of course if you are currently reading this, you're well aware that your gaze is fixed upon the site's 200th post, as well as the fact that we have clearly usurped ESPN as the English speaking world's premier sporting-news outlet.

This past week some of the heads behind this behemoth of a website got together for a star studded black tie gala in order to celebrate some of Sports Schmortz's newly enlisted and most lauded journalistic superstars. We also set aside a small portion of the evening's proceedings to take a stroll back in time and reminisce of the early infantile stages The Schmortz struggled through before reaching absolute blog supremacy. So if you'll kindly allow me to switch hats for just a moment, transitioning from my usual role as poor man's Bill Simmons to a poorer man's (more straight) Steve Kmetco, I'd like to take a short look at just how this emotionally charged evening played out...

Here we encounter myself early on in the ceremony presenting the first ever Schmortzie award, for excellence in trivial sports blogging, to the incomparable Budz (pictured to the left). Some might say I was over-dressed for the event. I say Fuck You...

If we pan out just a hair, you'll notice Tuesday Afternoon Punter Scribe, and resident Sports Schmortz Susan Lucci, JJ Mackinnon, in the midst of a total break down after being snubbed out of the 2010 Schmortzie. If you focus in even closer, you might notice the worlds smallest violin playing the world's saddest song...

The Budz was also awarded a prize package (estimated value: 7.00 US dollars) for his 2010 posting campaign, which included a packet of Gatorade-brand "pregame" sports jiz (simply perfect for topping off a Red Dog), as well as some super-gross spicy gas-station sausage thing (simply perfect for Lady-and-the-Tramping)...

It was at this point in the evening, that things took a turn for the Ballin'. The Andre started a-poppin', and as we all know, you can't let Champagne sit for more than a moments time before it begins to spoil. JJ busted a traditional ceremonial champagne nut all over my face, just before we started playing a favorite party game of ours which we lovingly refer to as "Pass the Three Bottles of Champagne Around in a Continuous Circle Until We Drink Them All"...

With each of the bottles sufficiently cashed, and the party attendees beginning to feel the woozy effects of said bottles, the ceremony spiralled into a bizarre Kubrickesque masquerade orgy. Hooray! Pictured here are official Sports Schmortz photographer Caitlin J (at left), and resident Sports Schmortz wino, Katie F (pictured on the right), getting pretty weird...

...But it was Budnik, the event's man of the hour, who truly separated himself as prettiest Belle of the Ball when he unveiled a custom-made mask, who's visage, when worn properly, could only be described as simply breathtaking. Take a wild guess as to who laid the most pipe on this particular night...

It was at this point in the night that all the party goers, in their drunken revelry, decided it was about time to take the town. So with that, here's to another 200 posts! (err, actually, I hope we all get real jobs soon, and don't have time to wokr on this trash any longer).

Side note: JJ got mad when somebody mentioned the Bears, and proceeded to kick a foot rest over. Also, super-fan Tammy apparently got excited that The Budz was drinking champagne or something...

Tuesday Afternoon Punter

2010-10-26T15:05:00.000-04:00

Moorman stats: 2 punts for 45 yard average and 0 fakes

Once again I did not watch much football this weekend. It was really nice out so I took my sharkdog for a walk in the woods.

Dressing up your animal as things is a slippery slope. I intend to slide all the way to the bottom.

I am kind of disappointed that I missed the Bills game. From what I've heard from people and from what I have seen on sports center it seems like the old Bills are back. (by old Bills I mean the team that is in a game they have no business being in and somehow look like they are going to win and then blow it in comical fashion right at the end. It reminds me of the good ol' days, the all or nothin' days, the Dick Juaron days.) Also apparently Harvard man Ryan Fitzpatrick is the new Peyton Manning. The former Harvard player went into Baltimore and lit up their defense for 374 yards and 4 tds(probably using his Harvard intelligence). Peyton-esque.(if Peyton went to Harvard like Fitzpatrick did.) Did I mention he went to Harvard? Nobody ever mentions that Fitzpatrick went to Harvard even one time during every game he plays.

Things I hate about The Bears this week:

Thing #1: They still exist.

Thing #2: I always knew that I hated Merril Hoge but I couldn't quite figure out why I hated him so much. Maybe it's the way he is always yelling at me through the t.v. about factorbacks whatever those are, or maybe it's just his dumb name and dumb face.

I want to punch it so bad.

I found out what it was when I decided to look up his wikipedia page. Shockingly I found at that he spent his last season in the league as a Chicago Bear!

Things I like about how much I hate The Bears this week:

Thing #1: They have lost three games out of their last 4.

Thing #2: Jay Cutler threw 4 ints and fumbled once in the loss to Washington.

Cutler 2010 interception count: 7

He's going to need to stay healthy and keep up those 4 int outings if he wants to beat Vinny Testaverde's single season post merger int record of 35. It's kind of a catch 22 because I want the Bears to stop existing and have their players banned from football forever but I also want to see Cutler throw for the record. Until NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell gives into my demands and kicks the Bears out of the league I will just have to settle for Cutler throwing as many interceptions as he can.

Here are some more pictures of Cutler being really good at QB:

He probably wouldn't throw so many picks if he just opened his eyes when he threw.

BFDJ(Brett Favre Dinger Joke) of the week:

I guess that's enough for this week. Keep on puntin' on and here's your punt of the week:

Tragedy Strikes UFC

2010-10-25T19:38:00.001-04:00

You may have heard about Cain Velasquez dismantling Brock Lesnar in the main event of UFC 121 but the real story was the tragic event that took place during one of the opening fights. Let's take a look at this heartwrenching bout in its entirety. I warn you this clip is not for the faint of heart and should not be viewed by anyone under the age of 16 (unlike my dinger which should totally be viewed by 16 year olds...Ok that was a joke, I only show my dinger to consenting females over the age of 18. We don't need a Brett Favre-esque scandal ravaging through Sports Schmortz). Anyways here's the fight...

I'm not sure why they scheduled the fight on a roof top instead of in the octagon but it doesn't change the fact that a man died. Is this the worst tragedy in the history in sports? I'd say it comes in a close second to the fact that the St. Louis Blues organization designed these awesome jerseys in 1995 but their coach wouldn't actually let them be worn during a game.

The winner of the fight is a young man named Jason Vorhees. Vorhees has a UFC record of 99-0 with 98 KOs. His only non-KO victory came in a split decision when he faced off against grizzled UFC veteran Fred Krueger. The two are set to fight again at UFC 122. Here's a look at their first meeting...

Talkin' 'Bout Mark Jackson

2010-10-22T13:15:00.000-04:00

As a regular follower of Bill Simmons, I was fortunate enough to catch the Sports Guy's chat with former NBA point guard Mark Jackson on the lauded B.S. Report podcast this past Wednesday. While Jackson's season predictions were commendable, the truly remarkable aspect of the interview came in the staggering amount of times he spoke the terms "talkin" and "bout" in succession. If you're a regular viewer of ESPN's NBA basketball coverage, you're probably already aware of the wonderful color work Jackson provides along side Jeff Van Gundy, as well as a certain Brooklyn-street-ball brand of Joie De Viver he brings to the booth. What you may not have noticed however, is the exorbitant amount of times Jackson will exclaim "if you're talkin' 'bout" while prefacing a statement, just before the network cuts to commercial. Set to slide-guitar legend Bonnie Raitt's classic single "Something to Talk About", I set out to illustrate this point with the aid of some solid MJ sound clips lifted from the most recent B.S. report... You can download and listen to the thing below (keep in mind that all these sound bites were uttered within the same hour) ...

MP3: Talkin' 'Bout Mark Jackson